she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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