he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
