My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
