I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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