just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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