Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
COCAINE IS GR8
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
