hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize