So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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