I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
