They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
