the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
