My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just took my morning after pill in the library
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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