how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
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I just want to make out with him forever
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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