I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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