the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
