She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
