So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
