I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
