1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
