the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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