i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
