i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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