Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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