i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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