It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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