I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
