You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
