I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
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In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.