My sheets look like a crime scene.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
