Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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