SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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