Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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