I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
