Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
