my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
