The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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