I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
