Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Randomize
