No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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