I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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