May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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