this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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