Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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