If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i drank out of a bidet.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
