I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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