OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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