I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
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I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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