After last night, I could never be a politician.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
