Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
