It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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