I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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