oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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