my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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