Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
