Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
