if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
