Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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