We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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