I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
